i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
