Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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