Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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