It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
