Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
