i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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