i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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