I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
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