You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
