Who did Billy Mays play for?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
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