My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
