first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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