Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
where does the pee come out of this thing
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
