life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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