The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
