I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
