hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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