wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
