so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
