Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
