drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
