A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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