??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
