at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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