god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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