please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
