He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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