ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
