Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
