I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
