Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
