look no pants
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
