she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
