And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Sext me about skeletons
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
