Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
