I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
