I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
