I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
