shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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