this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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