Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
