so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
