went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Randomize
