My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
