So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
