brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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