Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
