I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
