i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
