i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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