I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
