I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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