Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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