My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
