Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
