I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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