Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
