I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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