Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
