I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I will pee on everything he values.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
