dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
