Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
