see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
