the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
