I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
