got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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